March 15th, 2011

I'm currently on a plane from Key West to Atlanta. I'm too tired to sleep and too worked up to relax even a little. I've spent the last 15 days in Key West with my wife, just relaxing and spending time together.

It feels like my leave lasted a long time, then again it all feels like a blur, but especially the last few days. Starting around this past Friday my mind went into survival mode which made it more difficult to relax. I'm sure it's all some type of defense mechanism.

To be honest, saying goodbye to my wife and going to the airport for this was a lot harder than saying goodbye before leaving. Even though I'm now over halfway its harder since there is no longer the unknown to pull me forward.

While I am going back to Afghanistan and all that comes with it, I know that it's not what awaits me that is making it hard right now, but rather what I'm leaving behind.

February 11, 2011 - Almost Halfway

I’m coming up on my fifth month here in Afghanistan and almost to the halfway point of the deployment. It’s only five months but it feels like much longer. I am to the point now where “home” seems like nothing but a memory. It takes conscious effort to remember details of things that I should know without trouble.

About two weeks ago at work, I pulled up Google’s Streetview to show someone my house. I typed the address in as I normally would and waited (a long time) for the image to load and soon, on the screen was an image of a house. I looked at the house, then I looked at the address on the screen, and then I looked back at the picture. I thought to myself, is this really my house or is it one of the neighbors? In a moment of panic, I didn’t know what to do, so I did what any sane person would do, I had to figure this dilemma out. I started looking at the picture for details and soon was comforted that the picture that was supposed to be my house was actually mine. Total time elapsed for this episode, 5 seconds.

Since this little episode, I’ve realized that I have to visualize the things back home more. I cannot just think of my house as the entire house all at once with a yard, a driveway, a back porch, etc., but rather focus on little details. I have to remember things like the spider webs on the lights by the garage, or the grass sprouting up in the mulch by the tree in the front yard, or the spot on the mailbox post that the weed whacker has cut into the wood. 

I have no idea if this actually helps preserve memories, but the people, places, and things back home feel more real now. 

Sadly, not just inanimate objects slowly fade but people also. Luckily, I get to Skype with my wife most weekends so she feels real, but the rest of my family and friends feel more like a character in a book that I might have read a few weeks ago. I’m trying to remember their details but it’s harder to visualize a voice or face than rough surface of the driveway. It probably has something to do with the infrequent e-mails and even more infrequent phone calls but it nonetheless is happening.

Meanwhile back in Afghanistan the sights, smells, and sounds of being in a combat zone are becoming routine. I hardly register the sounds of an Apache firing its cannon or rockets. Helicopters flying overhead no longer warrant my attention. They myriad of nasty smells here still bother me but not like it would have six months ago. 

It’s not that I’m immune to what is going on here, but rather hearing or seeing something and processing what is going on and just continuing with what I was doing. If I hear rockets, I just take a second to process whether it’s theirs or ours and after I determine it is not a threat I’ll go back to working, playing a game, or sleeping. 

A day or two ago I was in the gym and running on the treadmill when I heard the FOB wide PA system sound the alarm to get everyone’s attention. When I heard this, I pulled one ear bud out, kept running, and made out just enough to hear what code word was being announced. Once I heard the word I knew it wasn’t something that required any reaction on my part I put the ear bud back in and kept on running. A few months ago, I would have been curious about what the details were but now I don’t really care.

It’s the same thing here with the food, it’s there for me to eat if I’m hungry, but if I’m not hungry why eat? Some days I may go to the chow hall for three meals, another day I may go once. It’s not that I’m not eating; it’s just that the whole ordeal of going to the chow hall is not worth the effort. It’s not worth the line, or the same old mass-produced food, or the cheese shortage, or seeing someone do something that makes me mad. If I’m slightly hungry, I’ll just eat something at the office or in my room. For example, today I ate breakfast in my office the fruit someone sent me (thanks Susan), went to the chow hall for lunch, and for dinner ate chips and beef jerky (thanks Ashley and Tony). 

Luckily, in a few weeks I’ll be heading back to the United States for my leave. I’ll be meeting my wife in a sunny destination by the ocean. I most definitely am looking forward to seeing her, eating some good food, drinking some cold beer, and being recharged for the second half of this deployment.

Video - Snow on the Mountain Peaks

Some snow is finally in the mountain peaks, not the close ones but the distant ones towards the end of the video.  These mountains are on the Afghanistan and Pakistan border...you know that area that you read about in the news.

January 5th - Dreaming

It seems like everyone here has something that they spend time
thinking about while here. Most are items that they want when they
finally get home.

Some people are looking at buying their first house, a new house, or
that long sought after piece of land in the country. Some are looking
at getting a new car. There are some people that are looking at
getting a motorcycle. Some are planning on the engagement ring they
want to buy when they finally make it home.

It seems like when you are taken away from civilization and placed in
a situation like the middle of nowhere Afghanistan, you start to think
about what you miss and inevitably end up thinking about what you
want.

I’ll admit that I have spent some time thinking about what kind of car
I want to buy when I get home, especially since I traded mine in
before I left and no longer have a car.

In some of the cases people spend a significant chunk of their free
time doing research on the internet for these things. Some read
magazines on their subjects. Some are using friends at home to look
at potential cars or property.

I think it’s good that people focus on something but I’m afraid that
too much of it will just set me up for disappointment. Could you
imagine researching cars for months and finally getting to buy the car
that you want and then suddenly something little happens and your
dream comes crashing down around your feet? Or researching a new
house, finally buying it and moving it, then when it rains for the
first time your basement floods. Think of the blow that would be to
your psyche.

Anyways, I just find it interest what helps get us through this.

January 1st 2011 - New Year Same Old Place

Well, today marks the beginning of 2011 and the passing of the 2010 Holiday season.  While this Holiday season was memorable it’s something that I’m happy to see in the rearview mirror. 

I’m the type of guy that normally loves this time of year and everything that goes with them: family, friends, get-togethers, cheer, shopping, and all of the “stuff” that entails Thanksgiving through New Year.  This year though, I found myself 8,000 miles away from the holiday activities and in the middle of nowhere Afghanistan. 

It really is strange being away from everyone during the Holidays.  While I knew it was that time of year, I just wanted to avoid thinking about it.  I basically took the mentality that if I just put my head down and moved forward, I could plow through this time of year and come out them facing the halfway point of this deployment. 

I think that part of the reason why I avoided thinking about the Holidays too much was that if I think about them, then I think about everyone back home excited that it’s that time of year.  I’m certain that my family and friends thought of me at the family gatherings and get-togethers with friends, but was my absence going to stop the festivities?  No, it most certainly was not, which means while I’m here, they are there enjoying themselves. 

Do you remember back to your childhood when you came back from vacation and went to school and talked about what you did over (Christmas, spring, summer) break?  There was always one kid that did something awesome like went to Hawaii or Australia and suddenly your break did not seem so exciting anymore.  You felt shorted even though minutes before you were thinking that you had the best break ever.  That’s what it’s like here…if I never talk to anyone about their break then I’ll never know how awesome their break was and I’ll be secure in my little anti-social bubble. 

For the first two months here time was flying, but the last month has really dragged.  It felt like we were stuck in December for months.  I really am hoping it was just a byproduct of the holiday season.  Right now I’m just focusing on my next milestone, and that’s going to be my leave in 56 days.  Once I hit that it also means that I’ll be over the halfway point of the deployment and I can start closing in on the end.  As of now, the end feels almost incomprehensibly far away. 

December 17th 2010 - Missing Food

As the days continue to grind through the Holiday’s it is business as usual here in Afghanistan.  Except for some Christmas decorations, it does not feel like Christmas.  I read an article today on CNN that really summed everything up perfect:

"As we decorate trees, wrap presents and celebrate the holidays, let us not forget the thousands of troops deployed to Afghanistan, Iraq and other overseas locations who are left only to quietly remember the food and fellowship this holiday season brings."

I really could not say it better myself, so I’m not even going to try.

It seems that the one thing that a lot of us really miss besides family and friends is the food back home.  Whether its home cooked meals, fast food, pizza, or a nice restaurant, good food is really lost on us here.

The spring of this year, they pulled all the food places out of the country.  So that meant that we lost Burger Kings, Dairy Queens, KFC, etc.  From what I’m told my FOB had once upon a time a KFC, a Subway, and a Burger King.  

Last year, I probably ate at those BK or KFC three times, but I would definitely eat there now if I had a choice.  The DFAC (Dining Facility) here just doesn’t cut it.   It is nearly a daily ritual to go to the chow hall for meals just to see how bad the food is on that day.  Running out of food notwithstanding the food is just blah and unhealthy.   

Most of the food is probably 90% ready when they take it out of the freezer but they manage to make it worse.  It is probably a combination of preparing the food too far in advance which makes items that should be crispy turn soggy and simply not taking enough time or care to make it right.

Almost every day we talk about the food that we miss, from fat juicy medium rare steaks to simple things like fresh bread.  

To add insult to injury we eat every meal on paper trays and use plastic silverware.  I will not shed a tear if I never use a plastic fork again.  

I think the only people here that love the food are the Afghans that eat in the chow hall.  They eat a huge meal and then take to-go containers of food with them.  It’s probably the main thing keeping me grounded in my grumblings about the food.  The average diet in Afghanistan is much more limited than the average Americans.  They get something like 70% of their caloric intake from wheat (breads) and the fact that we serve multiple proteins every meal is unheralded.  

Ultimately, this is probably a product of my own doing though… My wife and I eat good back home.  We go out to eat too much, we cook delicious food, and I enjoy every minute of it.  Here I am at the mercy of an 8,000-mile supply chain and a DFAC that is serving thousands of meals a day, but still I want some good food.  

As of right now, here are the top ten places that I want to eat at when I get home:

1.       St. Elmo’s – A big fat juicy medium rare filet and two orders of cocktail shrimp please.
2.       Papa John’s -  A large pepperoni pizza, an order of breadsticks, and an order of cheese sticks on the couch while I watch a movie.
3.       Scotty’s Brewhouse – Fried dill chips, 7 Tidal Dip, and a blue cheese burger
4.       BW3’s – A dozen boneless wings (hot and mango habanero) an order of buffalo chips with cheese and a few cold beers to wash it all down.
5.       Hacienda – A large wet burrito and a pitcher of margaritas.
6.       Jimmy John’s – A Beach Club, extra sprouts, no mayo, no tomato, jalapeno chips, and a pickle.
7.       Mo’s Irish Pup – A bowl of chicken dumpling soup, fish and chips, and a beer.
8.       Any decent sushi joint
9.       The Melting Pot – Any fondue along with a couple martinis.
10.   Fogo de Chao -  Ahhh meat

December 7th 2010

It has been quite a gap between posts.  No real reason but I haven’t felt like writing lately.  This time of the year is tough.  Thanksgiving was nice with the day off and everything, but it really was like the opening gun to a marathon through the holidays.

I’ve tried decorating my office with a little bit of Christmas cheer but it’s hard to get in the mood.  It feels like the holiday is happening but not here.  I thought by sending out Christmas cards that it would put me in the mood but that didn’t work.  Then I thought that I should put together my Christmas list but that didn’t work.  Then I thought maybe I should buy my wife something for Christmas but that didn’t work because her list was basically already picked over.  It also feels like Mother Nature is working as well by having the temperature dropping every day, which is not really working but it is making me cold.

Not all is a loss though.

The last few weeks I’ve felt a lot of love from folks back home.  I cannot describe to you how much joy I’ve had lately getting packages from people back home.  It feels good to know that someone is thinking of you and takes the time to put together a package and send it on an 8,000-mile journey to the other side of the world.  

I’m sticking to my guns that the time difference compounds a lot of the problems of being so far away.  It really drives a wedge between me here in Afghanistan and everyone back home.

I’ve been trying to read in the evenings the last week or two and it’s been nice.  I had read a ton of books the first 8 months of the year, but ever since the deployment started my reading pace had crawled to a stop.  It’s nice to start spending some quiet time reading.  

That’s about it.