February 11, 2011 - Almost Halfway

I’m coming up on my fifth month here in Afghanistan and almost to the halfway point of the deployment. It’s only five months but it feels like much longer. I am to the point now where “home” seems like nothing but a memory. It takes conscious effort to remember details of things that I should know without trouble.

About two weeks ago at work, I pulled up Google’s Streetview to show someone my house. I typed the address in as I normally would and waited (a long time) for the image to load and soon, on the screen was an image of a house. I looked at the house, then I looked at the address on the screen, and then I looked back at the picture. I thought to myself, is this really my house or is it one of the neighbors? In a moment of panic, I didn’t know what to do, so I did what any sane person would do, I had to figure this dilemma out. I started looking at the picture for details and soon was comforted that the picture that was supposed to be my house was actually mine. Total time elapsed for this episode, 5 seconds.

Since this little episode, I’ve realized that I have to visualize the things back home more. I cannot just think of my house as the entire house all at once with a yard, a driveway, a back porch, etc., but rather focus on little details. I have to remember things like the spider webs on the lights by the garage, or the grass sprouting up in the mulch by the tree in the front yard, or the spot on the mailbox post that the weed whacker has cut into the wood. 

I have no idea if this actually helps preserve memories, but the people, places, and things back home feel more real now. 

Sadly, not just inanimate objects slowly fade but people also. Luckily, I get to Skype with my wife most weekends so she feels real, but the rest of my family and friends feel more like a character in a book that I might have read a few weeks ago. I’m trying to remember their details but it’s harder to visualize a voice or face than rough surface of the driveway. It probably has something to do with the infrequent e-mails and even more infrequent phone calls but it nonetheless is happening.

Meanwhile back in Afghanistan the sights, smells, and sounds of being in a combat zone are becoming routine. I hardly register the sounds of an Apache firing its cannon or rockets. Helicopters flying overhead no longer warrant my attention. They myriad of nasty smells here still bother me but not like it would have six months ago. 

It’s not that I’m immune to what is going on here, but rather hearing or seeing something and processing what is going on and just continuing with what I was doing. If I hear rockets, I just take a second to process whether it’s theirs or ours and after I determine it is not a threat I’ll go back to working, playing a game, or sleeping. 

A day or two ago I was in the gym and running on the treadmill when I heard the FOB wide PA system sound the alarm to get everyone’s attention. When I heard this, I pulled one ear bud out, kept running, and made out just enough to hear what code word was being announced. Once I heard the word I knew it wasn’t something that required any reaction on my part I put the ear bud back in and kept on running. A few months ago, I would have been curious about what the details were but now I don’t really care.

It’s the same thing here with the food, it’s there for me to eat if I’m hungry, but if I’m not hungry why eat? Some days I may go to the chow hall for three meals, another day I may go once. It’s not that I’m not eating; it’s just that the whole ordeal of going to the chow hall is not worth the effort. It’s not worth the line, or the same old mass-produced food, or the cheese shortage, or seeing someone do something that makes me mad. If I’m slightly hungry, I’ll just eat something at the office or in my room. For example, today I ate breakfast in my office the fruit someone sent me (thanks Susan), went to the chow hall for lunch, and for dinner ate chips and beef jerky (thanks Ashley and Tony). 

Luckily, in a few weeks I’ll be heading back to the United States for my leave. I’ll be meeting my wife in a sunny destination by the ocean. I most definitely am looking forward to seeing her, eating some good food, drinking some cold beer, and being recharged for the second half of this deployment.