November 20th 2010 - Changes

Over the years, I’ve heard people say that a deployment will change you and I always thought to myself that I had the demeanor to be impervious to these changes.  I am now coming to the realization that I’m not going to come out of this deployment the same person that I was when it started. 

 

When this is over, the old version of me will be gone, replaced by a version that has been changed over the course of time spent in a combat zone.   I do not think that these changes can be prevented, it just happens.

The realization that the changes were happening became evident to me about a week ago while I was sitting outside on a picnic table.  A fellow Soldier looked over at me and said “Boy Sir, you are getting a lot of gray hairs”.  Now, this by itself is nothing new.  I’ve been finding gray hairs since my mom pointed one out to me when I was 18.  Over the past few years, whenever I get a haircut I notice that what is cut off has more and more gray in it every time.  

As soon as I could break away, I went to the nearest latrine (bathroom) and looked in the mirror.  This was the first time that I really looked at myself in the mirror in the two months that I’ve been in Afghanistan.  Yeah, I have used a mirror to shave, brush my teeth, and floss but I had not really looked at myself.  Vanity has no place here so I had not paid any attention to my image in the mirror and as I looked at myself for the first time in months, I realized that I had changed.  

My hair was showing a little grayer than I remembered.  I saw wrinkles on my forehead that I never noticed.  I then realized that my days of being carded were probably long gone.  Part of me was saying that the change was inevitable and would have happened no matter what.  Another part of me was saying that it was no different than it was before.  Then the last part of me was saying that the long days were starting to take their toll on me.  

Those of you that know me, know that I’ve always been a gun guy.  Guns are one of my two hobbies.  I’ve had a concealed carry permit for years but this was the first time that I’ve ever carried a weapon nearly every minute of every day.  The only time that we do not have a weapon on us is when we go to the showers or when we conduct physical training.  

As I walked to the shower at 4:30am one morning I realized that it did not feel right not having my weapon with me.  I could not feel the reassuring mass of cold steel on my hip or slung over my shoulder.  I then asked myself what it would be like back home not carrying a pistol or rifle with me all the time…

I have always been a big fan of family and friends.  I always want to visit family or have friends over.  The thing is that after being here I realized that I no longer want to do things with family or friends; I realized that I need my family and friends.  I have realized how important the bonds are with the people that you love.  I have realized the importance of letting them know that you care about them.  I have realized how much it means to hear from them.  Every morning I wake up with the anticipation of a kid on Christmas morning in the hopes that I have an e-mail from someone waiting for me. 

I am certain that other changes are underway as well.  I am now over two months without a day off.  We work every single day, or as we like to say, “Every day is Monday”.  I have started to break the connection that I have with Monday being Monday, Wednesday as being halfway done with the workweek, Thursday as the last day before Friday, Friday being the last day before the weekend, and the weekend being time off.  Every day is a day to work.  The time off is the time at the end of the day and that is it. 

I now realize why they cut our orders to extend past our return home.  Why we have paid leave at the end of the deployment, why Federal law gives us 90 days to return to our civilian job at the end of a deployment.  I cannot speak for everyone, but I know that I’ll need time to adjust to civilian life.  Time to acclimate to the schedules and routine of a normal life that has a clear distinction between the workday, the evening, and the weekend.  I now understand that if I returned home and immediately tried to jump back into the life that I left, that I would find myself at one of two extremes, either highly productive and focused or bored and distracted without the stimuli that comes with living and working in a combat zone.

As of right now only my extra gray hair will be evident to everyone when I return home and there is nothing I can do about that.  The remainder will just take some time to fade as I adjust to the way that I spent the first 31 years.