October 15th, 2010 - A Plywood Room of my Own

Tonight, after 30 days of living out of a rucksack and a duffel bag, I’m finally unpacked and in a room.  Not just any room but MY ROOM.  My own personal space that has four walls a door and my own bed.

It’s kind of amazing how much I missed sitting in someplace that has four walls and space that I can call my own.  Since I left the comforts of home and started my travels to Afghanistan all that I had was a bed in a grand total of one small 8 person tent, one large 400 person tent, and two 80 person barracks.  All this time my space consisted of a bed and a pile of luggage.  

Finally, after much anticipation I loaded up all my luggage and moved into my room.  My room is about six and a half feet wide and about ten feet long.  There’s a bed, a wall locker (basically a utilitarian armoire) and a large book case sized shelf.  Two walls are the exterior of the building and the other two are made of plywood.  The door slides open and it is also made of plywood.  The walls only go about eight feet high and then there is about 3 or 4 feet of open air before the roof of the building.  In our hallway we have six rooms, but only five of them will be occupied.  

The walls give you the feeling of privacy but the open air above the walls lets the sound from the adjoining rooms travel but that’s fine.  

This morning, when I was getting ready I had a moment of elation and it’s something so small but meant something to me.  I opened up my wall locker and opened a drawer and retrieved a clean pair of socks.  No longer did I have dig into a clean laundry bag or fish into my duffel bag.  

This evening, I opened up a tote that I had packed out before I left and that my wife had mailed out.  Inside was a real blanket, some real pillows, a TV, and my X-Box.  I setup the TV and X-Box and sat on my bed and played Madden with a member on the team.  For an hour or so I didn’t feel like I was in a combat zone.  I didn’t think about the pain it is to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t worry that the PX was out of nearly everything.  I just played, cheered, and yelled out in frustration like I was home.  

Some of the guys have spent time getting their room together.  They’ve built lofted beds or did some other sort of construction.  I’ve debated about lofting the bed to give me some more floor space but the thought of rigging my bed 6’ into the air with some 2x4’s and nails is just a little too iffy.  Not to mention, that a lofted bed also complicates the already complicated bathroom experience.  

So tonight, as I sit in my bed, in my room, with a light on that is operated by me, I finally have a temporary  home.

October 13th 2010 - Adaption

Things have been quite busy lately and putting together a blog post has been nearly impossible.  I’ve started a few entries only to delete them.  I get done with the work day, get to my bed and know that I only have a few minutes of juice left before I crash.  I’ll type out a quick e-mail to my wife, then lie down, and fall asleep before my first song finishes on my iPod.  

It’s strange how you adapt to things in a combat zone.  Things that would be absolutely alien in the ‘real world’.  Some of these things are just small changes but it never ceases to amaze me how the human psyche is able to adapt to new and strange situations.

In the ‘real’ world, it’s pretty easy to get something you want, from toothpaste to music to anything else under the sun.  If you want something you simply get in your car and drive to a Wal-Mart, a CVS, or order it online.  If you order something online, it shows up like magic a few days later on your doorstop.  Here everything is more difficult to get.  If you want a certain brand of deodorant you have one place to go and if you are lucky they may have your brand but they probably don’t have the particular scent that you want. 

Losing the wide gauntlet or retail options has had a positive influence on me though, in that I’m not buying (and spending) as much as I was back home.  When you’ve lost the options to spend money on something, you really lose the need (or necessity) to spend money on something.

 

I’ve also adapted to the dark nights here.   It feels normal now to walk around in the pitch black with a little red flashlight leading the way.  When I get back home, my subdivision will feel and look like Las Vegas to me.  I really don’t think that I’ll be able to go to Las Vegas for a while after I’m home.  The sheer brightness and intensity of the lights at night might make my eyes explode.

The internet here is painfully slow.  It makes AOL dial-up from 1998 seem like the fastest connection in the world.  Coming from the land of fast broadband it seemed like the connection here was terrible, but slowly it starts to feel normal.  I no longer sit frustrated at my computer waiting for pages to load up.  

The list continues to grow and I’m sure that it will continue to grow as time goes by here:

Carrying a weapon everywhere

Walking everywhere

100 meter walks to use the bathroom

Eating at the same place every day

Shredded cheddar cheese that is still frozen

Stale bread

No alcohol

No cable TV

Dust everywhere and on everything

No civilian clothes

Artillery firing during the night

Helicopters taking off and landing all the time

But some things will never feel normal like being away from loved ones or seeing green grass.

October 8th, 2010 - If Heaven

It’s kind of funny how I’ve been able to find a little pleasure in this place with the strangest things.  One of these things brings me back to the happy days of my childhood.

In the chow hall, we usually have an assortment of juice, water, Gatorade, soymilk, milk, and sodas.  A few types of soda have something that I have not seen since I was just a little kid.  They do not open with the typical stay-on-tabs that you find on soda and beer cans in the United States.  They open with the old-fashioned pull-tab.

The soda with the pull-tab also is made from real sugar and not high fructose corn syrup, but that is not the reason why I like the soda here.

From the first time here that I bent the metal ring back and gently pried off the metal seal I was transported back to my childhood.  Back to a time when there were no worries, no problems, and no war.  I do not remember pull-tabs on soda cans, but I remember them with Grandpa and his beer cans.  

Some days I do not really want a soda, but I’ll drink one just to be transported back to the days of my childhood, sitting with Grandpa on the porch, 

A lot of guys my age (30’s) are drinking the soda for a similar reason.  Their memories are probably of something different but it is ultimately for the same thing, that feeling of comfort, safety, and tranquility that memories of childhood can bring with something little, like a pull-tab on a Coca-Cola.  

Finally, it’s only fitting that I share the lyrics to one of my favorite songs…it fits perfectly with this post.

If Heaven

By Andy Griggs

If heaven was an Hour, it would be twilight
When the fireflies start their dancin' on the lawn
And supper's on the stove, and mama's laughin'
And everybody’s working day is done


If heaven was a town, it would be my town
Oh - on a summer day in 1985
And everything I wanted was out there waitin'
And everyone I loved was still alive


Chorus:
Don’t cry a tear for me now, baby
There comes a time we all must say goodbye
And if that’s what heaven's made of
You know I, I ain’t afraid to die


If heaven was a pie, it would be cherry
So cool and sweet, and heavy on the tongue
And just one bite would satisfy your hunger
And there’d always be enough for everyone


If heaven was a train, it sure would be a fast one
That could take this weary traveler 'round the bend
If heaven was a tear, it'd be my last one
And you’d be in my arms again


Chorus:
Don’t cry a tear for me now, baby
There comes a time we all must say goodbye
And if that’s what heaven's made of
You know I, I ain’t afraid to die


Yea, if that’s what heaven's made of
You know I, I ain’t afraid to die.

October 7th, 2010 - Internal Conversations and Debates

Sorry for the lack of update, it has been a little crazy.  The last few days have been nothing more than work, eating a few meals, and getting a few hours of sleep.  One night was only 2 ½ hours of broken sleep.  With that amount of rest, things start to blur together and you play catch up for a few days.  Little things that you have always taken for granted start to lose some importance as time moves forward.  

Last night I had a little discourse in my mind, which had to be due to the setting in sleep deprivation.  At home brushing your teeth is something that doesn’t take a lot of energy or effort.  You get ready for bed and walk the 10 feet the bathroom and spend a few minutes brushing and flossing.  Last night, at the end of a long day I took off my boots and uniform and had a mental discussion about whether I should put on my shoulder holster and walk the 100 meters to the latrine to brush my teeth.  

I’m not talking about a split second mental moment but a full blown discussion with myself in my mind on whether I should just go to sleep or go brush my teeth.  I’m not sure how long I sat in a tired heap at the edge of my bed thinking about this little decision but it had to be more than five minutes.  I started to think of ways that I could speed up this ‘ordeal’ of brushing my teeth.   

Should I break the rules and brush my teeth outside with bottled water?  Should I just wait for the inevitable urgent trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night and brush my teeth then?  Should I spend 10 minutes looking through all my bags for the little Oral-B disposable toothbrushes, just use them, and avoid the walk to the latrine?  Should I just go to take a shower at night instead of the morning and brush my teeth after my shower?  Should I just skip brushing my teeth all together?  Should I just suck it up and put on my holster, pistol, socks, shoes, and flashlight and go brush them?  

Finally, common sense and the image of my wife looking at me disgustedly and telling me that I was gross for not brushing my teeth won the debate.  I forced my body up, put on my stuff, and walked to the latrine where I spent a few minutes getting ready for bed.  Altogether, I know that I spent more time on this internal struggle than the time that it actually took for the brushing, but at the time, this debate seemed like the single most logical thing in the whole wide world.

October 3rd, 2010 - A Visitor

Sometimes something little happens that you know is special, but you cannot talk about it right away.  You have to let it absorb and sink in for a bit before you share it with anyone else. 

Recently some of our team returned from a mission.  These missions are never routine and are taxing on all involved.  Everything is a potential threat or hazard.  From traffic driving on the wrong side of the road, children playing in the roads, to IED’s, a mission is taxing both physically and mentally.

When you return to the relative safety of the FOB and off load from the MRAP’s everyone tries to come down from the mission.  Immediately body armor and helmets are placed in sweaty piles on the ground.  Bottles of water are chugged to replenish fluids lost from wearing body armor in the heat.

Some guys will talk about what they saw or what they could do differently.  Some will light up a cigarette or a cigar.  Others will toss around a football.  Others simply sit and enjoy being done with the mission.  

On this particular day a group of a half dozen guys were sitting down smoking and talking when they noticed a visitor to their area.  This visitor was not invited to the group but he was safe among these tough Soldiers. 

 

As he slowly moved along the gravel towards the boot of one of the Soldiers, a rough hand slowly reached down and allowed this creature to climb aboard.

As the chatter died down this group of guys soon became enthralled by this visitor.  He was passed from Soldier to Soldier where nothing but gentle touch was to be found.  

Soon the creature was placed gingerly onto to the gravel where all passerby’s were warned to not step on him or harm him.

For me this scene, although only lasting for a few moments, epitomizes the Soldiers found in the Army.  These trained Soldiers, who only moments before were locked, loaded, and ready to kill; would not let any harm come to a simple praying mantis. 

October 2nd, 2010 - Moments

Sometimes for a brief moment, I will forget that I am in a combat zone.  My mind will drift off to a place 7,000 miles away. These moments are not that frequent and when they do occur, I know that they’ll soon be washed away by some moment reminding me that I’m in the ‘Stan. 

 

For me these moments usually happen at night, when I’m surrounded by inky black darkness and an eerie quiet.  I’ll look up and see a pitch black sky filled with more stars than I can count and the only noise that I hear is the hum of an air conditioner.  I’ll gaze up at the vastness above my head and look at the cloudy shadows of the Milky Way.  When I’m fortunate enough to get a moment it is often broken by someone or something.

There will be someone walking by with their red, green, blue (or God forbid one of the outlawed white) lights.  

A helicopter will come swooping in out of the dark to refuel, reload, or drop someone off. 

A C-130 cargo plane will fly in and land on the gravel runway 100’ away.

Our artillery cannons will suddenly fire and I’ll wait to see if they are firing an illumination round or if they are targeting the enemy off in the distance.

There could also be the ‘Giant Voice’ announcing something such as incoming casualties or something else.

During the day it’s not as easy to get these moments because everything reminds you that you are no longer home.  From the hasty construction of the buildings to the seas of gravel everywhere to the never ceasing movement of large combat vehicles, nothing feels like home.

October 1st 2010 - Thank you Mr. O' Meara

I’ve only been here a short time, but already the US is becoming foggy in my mind.  Things like restaurants, street lights, and indoor plumbing seem like a distant memory.  I know that for the past 9 years the war in Afghanistan seemed a million miles away, now that I’m here, home feels a million miles away.

It’s amazing the little things that make you feel a little closer to home.  It could be a phone call with your wife or perhaps an e-mail from a friend or a Facebook message from an acquaintance.  Yesterday I found another way to feel a little closer to home.

On the FOB there is a coffee shop.  This little coffee shop called Green Beans offers good coffee to us here on the FOB.  While their shop here isn’t as nice as what they had in Kuwait or Bagram, it still has good coffee, although they run out of stuff a lot.  It’s the only outside vendor on our FOB  and it’s became a gathering place in the evening for myself and some other members of my team.

We order our coffees and sit outside on a picnic table under the stars.  We talk about the day, our family, what we are doing when we get home, or just about anything under the sun.  The coffee is not as expensive as Starbucks, but it’s not free.  

We found out about a program that Green Beans offers, it’s called Cup of Joe for Joe.  Basically how it works is people sponsor a cup of coffee for Soldiers.  They can spend $2 or $60 (which buys coffee for 30 ‘Joes’).  They can put a little message with their cup of coffee.  Then a Soldier somewhere signs up for the program and randomly they’ll get an e-mail that they have been selected for a free cup of coffee.  We’ll get a little message with the coffee code and we can send a message back to the generous person back home. 

It’s really a great program.  I received my first cup of coffee the day after signing up.  It arrived with a note from a former Navy guy, Mr. O'Meara.

God Bless you guys and gals. From an old anchor-clanker, swab jockey. 

I sent him a thank you note and later in the evening enjoyed my cup of coffee with friends, at our regular table, but this time taking solace knowing that someone back home is thinking of us.

**Note, Green Beans Coffee has the Cup of Joe for Joe program which randomly gives a cup of coffee out but if you want to give a specific Soldier some coffee you can buy them a gift card online.